While some hollow hacks proclaim the holiday season to be slow news central, this column has made an annual tradition of bringing you hard-hitting reports from campgrounds Australia-wide. This just in:

New refugees lack basic skills

Figures released today show one in three new camping refugees arriving from the city cannot set up a tent properly, while 65 per cent of dads struggle to reverse trailers, even when given specific hand-waggling guidance from mum. “It’s time to shut the boom gates to new arrivals,” said one Queensland camper. “Their prospects of integrating into this campground we fought so hard to book into is slim.”

Trigger warning: Mumford and Sons

Tensions rise over lousy music

A third night of headache-inducing Mumford and Sons music emanating from a neighbouring tent-site has led an Eastern suburbs camper to issue a chilling directive as tensions escalate on the western sandbank. Speculation mounts that Mr Epis is having difficulty keeping his cool, as his rhetoric intensified from “Keep it to a dull roar, would ya?” to “Turn that shit off!” late last night.

“Back off” – team selection plunges family into crisis

The teenage captain of a family beach cricket team has told parents to “Back off” amidst claims of administrative interference in team selection. Squad mother, Ms Pink, was quoted as telling the 16-year-old captain, “Give your cousin a bat, please.” The captain responded by telling reporters, “He’s five-years-old. He can’t bat, can’t bowl, can’t even put his thongs on the correct feet.”

Triggs warning

Outgoing Human Rights Commissioner Gillian Triggs has warned encroaching forces to retreat as the violence threatens to erupt over the disputed territory of sites 17 – 20. “Changes need to be made to the boundary markings,” Ms Triggs told reporters. “18C needs to be broadened to expand protection from prevailing winds.” The manager of Wentworth Campground was quoted as saying Ms Triggs wouldn’t be camping here long so he “wasn’t really worried about it.”

Trigger warning: hot, stuffy cars/angry dads

Long drive labelled “Tedious”

Claims of an oppressive dictatorship have surfaced after a dad was reported as barking, “Don’t ask me again!” to questions from the backseat of “Are we there yet?”

A spokesperson for the children in the back said, “It’s vital in any democracy that citizens are free to question their leaders without fear of being silenced or having ice cream privileges revoked.” She added that any statements from dad along the lines of “I’ll turn this car around and we’ll go home right now,” would be treated as an empty threat.

“It’s not my job!” mum tells kids

A second week of missing items has promoted a mother to unconvincingly tell her kids, “It’s not my job to look after your stuff,” despite it widely being acknowledged that it was her job.

The despairing mother said keeping track of everything was “nearly impossible.” Ms Safioleas added that she “came here for a bloody holiday, not to spend all day looking for beach towels.” Ms Safioleas then cut short the press conference to go looking for beach towels.

“Vindication at last,” Bolt cites global cooling evidence

World renown climate scientist Andrew Bolt has cited a report by the Cranenburgh family, which showed discrepancies in the campground swimming pool temperatures between late afternoon and early morning. A family spokesperson said the water temperature was noticeably cooler this morning than yesterday afternoon, providing clear evidence of a global cooling of water temperatures.

Trigger warning

Eight-year-old Katy S was given an ultimatum yesterday morning as the now infamous water pistol wars threatened to boil over. Her mother was quoted as saying, “If I see your finger on that trigger once more, I’m going to confiscate that damn thing.” Katy was last seen taking aim at big sister, Amy, who has described her actions as needlessly provocative. “I think we all need a good holiday,” Amy told the media, adding that her headaches had already subsided since the Razer family packed up and left.