They unwind like the rest of us. The campground, the beach, the wilderness retreat, the air-conditioned mall; even Australia’s most famous great minds need a summer break. That explains why I’m still here, toiling away to research and report celebrity holiday news. It’s important we monitor what those in charge do on holiday. It says so much about them. It says so much about Australia. It says so much about Australia in January.

World-renowned climate scientist, Andrew Bolt, was observed trying to reheat a sausage in a communal kitchen microwave in a Hornsby campground. “There’s been no real warming in the last 18 minutes,” he declared. “The alarmist button keeps going off but it’s still cold.” Microwave technicians were quick to point out that Bolt was looking only at selective figures – namely a for-sale ad on the pin board for a second hand washing machine – and that in fact his sausage was dry, shrivelled and of no use to anyone.

Former Prime Minister, Tony Abbott, is in a stable condition in a psychiatric hospital after being picked up police, wandering the streets of Manly dressed only in speedos, mouth gaping open and closed like a fish, trying to think of something to say. “The elderly patients love him!” a nurse said. “Some even remember him. He’s been telling everyone he’s still prime minister, bless his heart.” Doctors suggested an increase in medication, to which Mr Abbott replied, “You better check with Peta”.

Time Magazine Man of the Year, Waleed Aly, won the national surfing comps at Maroubra Beach yesterday. A spokesman for the Local Bra Boys was quoted as saying, “Even we love the guy. Is there anything he can’t do?” It would appear not, as Aly was seen simultaneously drawing a Halal meat raffle at a Rockhampton RSL, freeing a great white shark from a net at Esperance and delivering his weekly sermon on Channel Ten. When asked if he would now like to prove the existence of God, Aly promptly disappeared out the back door and onto the back of a waiting unicorn.

Dangerous terrorist and all-round wrecker of a blokey good time, Clementine Ford, has once again incited harassment of women by irresponsibly calling for an end to harassment of women. She made the comment whilst hypocritically enjoying breakfast with a male companion at a Brunswick café. She allegedly took a screenshot of her overcooked omelette and reported it to a male waiter. She has also launched a tirade aimed at Emma Watson’s Not All Omelettes campaign. A man could not be contacted for comment.

Celebrity journalist, Annabel Crabb, is reported to be recovering from shock after no one turned up to her New Year’s Eve dinner party. One invited guest, who didn’t wish to be named, said, “I was scared Scott Morrison might be there.” Others said they were scared Annabel Crabb might be there. Another invitee said he was concerned an appearance might lead to his image being tarnished. “I quite liked being a bastard,” he said. “I don’t want my softer side exposed.”

Federal Agriculture Farm boy, Barnaby Joyce, has played down speculation he has a soft spot for animals after being filmed feeding ducks near a dam. “It’s actually a diced greyhound carcass,” he said. “Bread is bad for the ducks’ health.” Joyce, whose head was recently mistaken for a boiled tomato, is reported to be enjoying his holiday at his lavish country estate. “Technically it’s a live cattle export station,” he explained. “But the kids love it.”

Misunderstood bushranger and much loved champion of the underclass, Ned Kelly, is having a January he’d rather forget after being pursued by police south of Wangaratta on Saturday night. Kelly, who was clad in homemade armoury fashioned from stolen solar panels, was eventually shot and captured. He was returned to Melbourne, tried and swiftly put back into the grid.